He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
