Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
