At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My dad just said "fuck circus"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
