I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
