You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
