this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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