Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
