She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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