A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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