Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
