Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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