There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
false alarm, still single
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
