Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
