I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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