You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Will exercising make me less horny?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
