the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
