I've blown a few things in my day
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
