I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
