The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
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