he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
