Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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