I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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