He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
