Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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