ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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