she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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