it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
