woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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