First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
my being single is dangerous.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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