its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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