listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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