why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
