I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
