69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
