just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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