Pregnant stripper...not hot.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
