Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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