You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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