Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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