allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
