Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
