My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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