trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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