HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
