I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
