How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
