I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
