I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
How's work?
Spinning.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
