My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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