i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
