Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
